Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
