I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
