Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
