Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
