i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
