Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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