im drinking this country out of the recession.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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