That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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