I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
