My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
