I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Randomize
