Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
