Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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