my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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