just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
