I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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