so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
