meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Vodka?
Forever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
