Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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