I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
