Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
