Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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