last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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