I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
