I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
