Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
