We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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