Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
