I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
