I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
