I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ttyl tear gas
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
