When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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