this beer tastes like vomit already
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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