I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
