Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
