I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
