Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
