What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
