sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
