There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
