Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
