If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
