apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
