I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
