after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
