i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
