I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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