Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
