He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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