Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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