first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
